darkest side

This is a story which is so inspiring me, inspiring my friendship … 

One day, she sms me and invited three of us (me and my other best friends) to a "meeting", an unusual-hurry meeting. She called it a press conference which made us wondering. But then cancelled. It happened three times until she decided to call one of us. Then … we just knew that she has got married 3 months ago and now get pregnant. We really didn’t know how to feel at that time. We truly did not. It seemed a happy news, and it used to be, it should be it. But unfortunately it didn’t. Especially for my other 2 best friends.

She is now 5 months pregnant (countdown …). Me and my friends actually had made a prediction for this things for almost last 3 months, but we were worry about the truth coming through, then we decided to ignore it. We went to hang out 2 times with her 2  months before, but she never shared anything with us, she didn’t wanna talk even we had tried to touch her heart. She-like usually she should be-pretending nothing happened and pretending to be the strongest woman in the world.Then, she just dissapeared, sometimes she was lying to us (we knew it later), she ignored all of our invitations, including to go to Syukuran Khitanan one of our best friend’s son in Bandung. So, as very best friends, we just "leave" her alone. Hopefully she would "come back" to us someday.

So, the day when she told everything, she just mentioned that what she did is a very humiliated things she’d done and unusual for us, none of us do that. But she did it consciously, she really wanna do it and she’ll take all the consequences. She just thought that it’s not a big thing to be share with or to be happy with ( r u sure??? ). That’s the reason why she didn’t invite us to her wedding and also hiding her pregnancy. And then announce it 2 months after, by phone, to her very-very-very best friends (we have been friends since high school-18 years ago).

***** 

She is a year older than me, was single with a tremendous professional status in a national bricket company. She is very bright, beautiful, talented, a very well-planned friend, sooo career woman-comparing with 4 others, having her highest carreer. All I know, she met some guys, but always unsucceed in love relationship. She dated a guy, a younger guy about a year ago, but then broke-up, this time a very bad broken heart. She was 35 or something at that time, probably too much worried about her marital status. Since then I didn’t hear anything about her lover because since I was wearing a hijab I decided to less my leisure time (you know, sometimes more hanging out, it will be more gossips, more un-useful chat). We all really know how high her desire to find a man, her desire to get married, too.

***** 

Now it’s been a month. My other friends came up with their own conclusions. Mostly really dissapointed because being neglected as a best friend. Some are upset because she keep lying to us all this time, she is too arrogant to admit her weakness, her fault. It’s natural, I guess. But it’s already calm down now. Apparently they don’t wanna care anymore about it.

And me ? Maybe I’m just too naive. Or because lately I was absent for many hang out, so I am probably not as "hurt" as them. And by the time I received those surprising news, I directly asked my husband to go to her house and met her. But unfortunately we couldn’t because we were in the middle of my cousin’s wedding. I want to sms her, but my husband suggested "No", just leave her alone for a while, he said. The next day, I sms her and congratulate her either for her wedding and pregnancy. Like usual, she just said : okay, thanks. Then I called her and she told sooo many things, we’ve chat a lot… She seems so happy, so why shouldn’t I ? 

***** 

But you know what ? I am truly happy for her, I really do. But also feel so sad. One thing that still makes me feel guilty until now is that, I missed sooo many moments with her, I missed soooo many talks with her, that I am not be able to be her friend to share with. Cause if I didn’t, she might think twice about it, she might step forward more carefully. I feel so sorry for what she has been chosen, for what she did, NOT to us, but for herself (we hope it’s not true, but she officially married to other woman’s husband, but she still keep secret about it), to her big family and her future (she resigned from her job). But it has happened. No one can change this destiny. She wants it. She choosed it. She 100% realizes the risk. Including the worst one she said: being a single parent. Yeah, even being a single parent, she said. Oh God, my tears was dropped and suddenly I don’t know her anymore *sighs*.

I am just afraid that she’d done all these things just to wanna prove something, want to prove to anybody that finally she can do it. That she’s been succeed in getting a man, who coincidencely is her charming-rich-travel a lot latest boss; that she can finally get married (even probably "siri", with other woman’s husband which means she has already ruined somebody’s marriage and broken other woman’s heart). Or maybe she wanna proves that she can be pregnant, because one of the reason why her latest younger boyfriend broke their relationship was because his mother didn’t accept her as she’s too older for her son and worried about her fertility. Oh no dear, you don’t need to prove anything to anybody. No need to ruin your life either by doing all these things. You don’t need to be that hopeless either. Because you have a lot - lot of choices to be chosen, why you end up with this ?

*****

Women, they sometimes are unique.

They laugh when they cry …..

They’re strong but they’re also weak …..

They’re sometimes sooo open, but then closed her heart, too … 

They’re so sweet but in the next second becomes devil *grin*

They’re sensitive but also tough …..

They often do something, many things so-called stupid …..

They sometimes don’t think twice ….. 

*****

Allah creates woman so special. I do believe that. And I’m very proud being a woman. Including me, woman sometimes makes mistakes, just like anybody elses do. Because they’re gifted with 99% emotion. Because they’re only a human, right ? And that was happened to my best friend, a big mistake she did. But I don’t wanna judge anybody because I believe Allah has a very huge-many forgiveness to all of us. So I just pray for her to get His forgiveness.

[ Formerly I do not want to write it in my blog, I just wanna keep it for myself. But later on I need to share it, need to write down all my tought inside me, and chill it out. Obviously we have less in common by now, in term of this. She probably has many reasons for these to be allowed. But I also have sooo many logical-humanized reason for not doing that stuff ]

This is the 2nd book I have read this week. It is wrote by Faiez H. Seyal, a Pakistani moslem - expert in phylosophy, management, human behaviour/relationship, a motivator one. He also writes the "Road to Success" , "Soul Healing", "Together Forever" (it talks about marriage management - I already got one of this, too). I decided to start looking for something which can motivate me, heat me up, wake me up, soul me in, so that I could be reborn as a brand new person [working woman]. Since lately, when things are upset down around me, mixed with all unexpected-complex-speechless combination - completed with all those spiritual journey happening to me *scratching my un-itchy head*.

One of his formula is: P (Performance) = (K-Knowledge + S-Skill) A (Attitude). Beyond my narrow thoughts, I am actually know a little bit about this and always try to apply it to my working behavior. Even sometimes things does not always come as sweet as it should be..*grin*. He also says that "if we think we are what we are, then we will BE". He also suggest that we should always create our thought into the highest-positive achievement, whoever we are, whenever we are and wherever we are.

Then, I came up wih the conclusion. No matter what we do, no matter what somebody else’s does, we should always be prepared for any worst thing that may happen to us. And at the same time be ready to conquer all the lack, all the restrictions, any trouble may come along.

My problem is, I sometimes too arrogant to share it with anybody elses.  Not because I don’t need anybody, but I think I will face it until I find no way out *stubborn me, stone head*. And it’s often killing me, when you think that you can solve something but then you can’t. When you think that you right for something but then you wrong. When you think you don’t deserve for something but then you do. When you don’t think that you can do something but then you can.

Seiyal is right. He does fulfill me with something that now, I hope, will motivate me to be a better person. To be a better human, and a better hamba Allah *smile*.